By AJ Stoughten
We all have those dirty little secrets we keep from our friends. Whether it’s that boy toy we don’t bring home to mama, or binging on ice cream during a marathon of reality TV, we all have things we love that we’re afraid to admit to those around us. But why should we be so scared? If our friends and families truly love us, they’ll accept us warts and all. What matters most is that we love ourselves!
I for one am not scared at all to sing my guilty pleasure to the heavens. While I love a good One Direction jam sesh, or an Amazon shopping spree, nothing gets me more excited than a big, palatial plantation house.
It’s true! And I’m not afraid to say so! What girl hasn’t dreamed of sitting on the porch in a beautiful dress, sipping cocktails and talking to the boys who walk by in their seersucker? Yum! What girl doesn’t want a wedding on a big, beautiful, sprawling estate, or a long walk down a country road with some Jane Austen in her hand?
Believe me, racism is still a serious problem in the United States of America. Slavery was wrong, and I’m sorry to all the Black people who had to go through it.
But come on people! “Antebellum” used to be a good thing! Haven’t you ever watched Antiques Roadshow? Just because slavery was ugly doesn’t mean these houses aren’t beautiful! Besides, while slavery in itself was bad, it’s not like being a slave was automatically terrible, right? Some of them even got to stay in these gorgeous houses. Can you imagine? Even I don’t get to do that!
I just feel like it’s super reductive to say that aesthetics can’t be divorced from history or politics. These are beautiful houses, and their inherent aesthetic value shouldn’t be ruined just because of slavery. We are all, in the end, Africans. Also my dad is Jewish and they were enslaved for like 2,000 years. I bet you they still like the pyramids.
Let your freak flag fly people! There’s no shame in loving what you love. Learning to declare my love for Confederate architecture and landscaping was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Plantation house or not, everyday I wake up and see a beautiful, confident, courageous southern lady staring back at me. And I don’t even have to leave the northeast to see her.
Jamie Younger is a columnist who writes about self-care, lifestyle, and culture for a variety of national publications. She resides in Brooklyn with her husband, Brock, and their dog Theodore. Check out some of Jamie’s favorite Southern residences at the bottom of this page. Have your own list? Post it in the comments section! Be sure to include just why you love each and every house you share with us.
Trump’s New Investment In Refugees
By Joe Thompson
Architecture digest sat down with Der Scutt, chief architect of the The Trump Organization, in his spacious office in downtown Manhattan to discuss their new refugee camp developments in Turkey.
Architecture Digest: Some critics have said that refugee camp development is a surprise move from The Trump Organization…
Der Scutt: Oh no of course not, we couldn’t leave those Kurds in the clutches of Turkish developers.
AD: So The Trump Organization developed the camp out of human rights concern with the Turkish Government?
DS: Oh, no no, we did it because the profit margins on refugee camps are insane. All I’m saying is that Mr. Trump told us to “Get as much money out of those poorly educated, Muslim, people, whom I love, as possible.” And I thought, well, we build inefficient, unviable, bloated projects behind schedule and above budget all of the time. Why shouldn’t we try a refugee camp? Could you believe the Turkish government wasn’t charging for water or rent at the camps? Those people were practically squatters before we came along!
AD: You’re not concerned that there is a conflict of interest when an organization— headed by a man who wants to keep all refugees out of the US — is developing refugee camps all over the middle east?
DS: What is the conflict of interest? Whether or not we don’t want to make money? Of course we want to make money!
AD: No no, what I’m asking is whether or not you think it is ethical to have a president who is actively interested in keeping people in squalid living conditions.
(At this point Mr. Scutt covered his ears and rocked in his chair.)
AD: What’s a matter?
DS: Mr. Trump told us to never use the “E” word.
AD: What, ethical?
(Mr. Scutt moans.)
AD: Okay fine. Do you think it is the “E” word for him to develop this camp?
DS: Mr. Trump said that the” E” word was for The New York Times and gay people, who he loves.
AD: Fine. Fine. I see we’re not getting anywhere here. Can you tell us about the design of the camp?
DS: Oh, I thought you’d never ask. You see, the crazy thing is, it’s next to impossible to get good granite in war torn areas. Or brass! So you could imagine the difficulty in constructing anything out there. So what we had to do is throw out most of the food on the relief trucks from Europe to fit the granite, and we melted down used bullet casings for the railings.
AD: Did you ever consider any other material, or no brass Trump plaques?
DS: What do you think this project is, some god forsaken refugee camp?
AD: Well… Yes.
(Mr. Scutt looks confused, stands up, and leaves the room.)
Homes Away From Home: 15 Of The Vacation Homes Prezbo Purchased In 2015
By Ellie Beckman
Last year President Bollinger was awarded a $700,000 bonus from Columbia University for excelling in toupee-wearing, Bacchanal-protesting, and isolating himself from the Columbia community at large. He didn’t let all that hard work go to waste! Below we’ve ranked our top 15 of the 36 vacation homes Prezbo purchased last year.
1. Beach House in Maui
Prezo works hard for our university. He deserves a beach day!
2. Villa in Seville
Our Prezbo is all about culture. He enjoys the finer things in life, and he also enjoys $700,000 bonuses. So that’s how he was able to afford this place.
3. A Mud Hut!
A committed academic, Prezbo purchased a mud hut to fully immerse himself in the experience of pre-modern cultures.
4. Country House in Napa
A relaxing escape from the city.
5. Servant’s Quarters in an English Castle
6. A Wig Shop
Prezbo likes to spend some nights sleeping among the toupees which he crowns upon his head each morning. Sometimes Donald Trump stops by and they have toupee parties.
7. The Lighthouse that Virginia Woolf Wrote About
Ever committed to the Core Curriculum, Prezbo secured a prime spot at the base of a very old and possibly fictional lighthouse. We think it’s somewhere in England.
8. Fully Furnished Cabin in Vermont
People have been telling ‘Bo for years to “take a hike.” So he bought a cabin where he can hike as much as he pleases! Hehe!
9. Butler 209
While it’s true that Prezbo has owned the majority of the rooms in Butler Library for many years, he only recently snagged up a seat in Butler 209. Several freshmen had to be evicted.
10. Halal Cart
He likes to wake up to the smell of 3-day-old lamb gyro in the morning.
11. The Resort Jason Segel Stays in in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Russell Brand is his favorite actor.
12. A Coffin
Prezbo spends most of his days here when he’s on vacation, finding the sun (and mirrors) hard to look at. He explicitly told the coffin-maker to avoid garlic while crafting the coffin. He’s so cooky!
13. The Hotel from The Shining
You can find him hanging around in a blue dress with his good twin.
14. Mansion in Beverly Hills
Beverly Hills is his favorite Real Housewives franchise.
15. Up the Trustees’ Collective Ass
He’s really vying for another $700,000 check at the end of 2016.
Some House Rules…
In order to increase the efficiency of meeting and publications, I thought it might be in our best interest to adopt some house rules, so to speak. I looked at some other comedy organizations locally and nationally and found a set of rules that I think could be easily adapted for Jester. Please take a moment to look these over and let me know what you think.