Roaree’s Guide to Science and Learnitude

Mark Prusakowski |

According to a random statistic, over 90% of freshmen claim that Frontiers of Science is the most difficult class in the Core Curriculum. To help you study for the toughest final of the semester, here’s a helpful study guide that somebody shoved into our mailbox last night:

Roaree’s Guide to Science and Learnitude

Chapter 1: Introduction

Hi, I’m Roaree, and when I’m not staring blankly into space I’m learning all about the wild, wacky world of science. Science is really cool because it tells us everything we need to know about the universe we live in, even though most of the time it’s wrong. For example, science tells us that lions can’t wear pants, and yet here we are. Regardless, I’m here to teach you all the fundamental basics of science that got me through mascot school.

Chapter 2: Evolution

If I remember correctly from the nature documentary I slept through last week, every animal on Earth started out as a fish before evolving into something cooler. Which means that every time we eat fish, we’re actually eating a dumber version of ourselves.

Here’s a chart that shows how my species has evolved over the years:

Fish

Cave Lion

Lion

Me

Me with a Robot Arm

Chapter 3: Relativity

Isaac Newton invented gravity in 1632, which is great because before then everyone was just floating around in the air like an idiot. You can do all kinds of cool things with gravity, like cliff diving and dropping anvils on cartoon coyotes.On the other hand, gravity is the number one reason why we don’t all have jetpacks yet, so it’s also kind of a jerk.

Pop Quiz Time!

Sometimes I stare into the mirror and ask myself whether I’m really a lion, or just a product of some lunatic’s deranged imagination. I … I have to be real, right? This can’t all be somebody’s idea of a sick joke … can it?

Chapter 4: The Scientific Method

Long ago in caveman times, the scientific method just consisted of eating a bunch of different mushrooms until you figured out which one made you die. Ever since the invention of hypothesises, though, (hypotheses? hypothesi?) science is now much, much safer, and you can do pretty much whatever you want with it as long as you use the Official Scientific Method®:

  1. Ask a question
  2. Build a Frankenstein monster
  3. It’s alive! It’s alive!
  4. Oh my god, run!
  5. Report your results

Chapter 5: Nukes

Nukes are objectively the most dangerous thing science has ever invented. If science and religion ever got into a fight, science would just whip out a nuke and the whole thing would be over right there. Please, just try to avoid angering science at all costs. It is not your friend.

Chapter 6: The End???

Congratulations! You have made it to the end of Roaree’s Guide to Science and Learnitude and now know everything there is to know about science. Or algebra. What was I saying? Anyway, if you ever want to talk some more about science you can message me on MySpace or hit me up at the next home football game. And if you want to expand your brain some more, keep an eye out for my next book: Roaree’s Guide to Loneliness and Despair.