The Blonde Effect

Andrew Schur |

A Friday night, a writing workshop, sitting on a stool staring at the back of a girl’s head. Oh how the wind blew that night. It was one of those nights that would have been perfect for the casual walk up, small talk, side hug, spontaneous date which ends up back in room 1507, but no. This was not that night.

You see, my friend and I had been staring at this girl from behind. Not even looking at her ass. She was sitting down. No, we were looking at her hair, that gorgeous blonde hair. From the back, this girl could have been Aphrodite for as far as we were concerned. Additionally, you could tell by the way she had tried to make it look like she had spent little time doing up her hair but actually made it look amazing that this was one of those girls looking to fuck.

Anywho, there we were, sitting on stools in an art room watching Charles Yu talk about creative writing. Well actually we were watching the back of the blonde girl’s head. I’m telling you, Aphrodite. This girl could have been Aphrodite.

All of a sudden she turned to her friend and then to her friend sitting behind her. Dammit. My friend and I looked at each other and shared the solemn, depressing realization that we had fallen victim to The Blonde Effect. We ended our fixation on the blonde girl and resumed watching Charles Yu whose hair was black as Bruce Lee’s karategi.

What, you may ask, is The Blonde Effect? Blonde hair is one of the least common hair colors, clocking in at about 2% of the global population. Thanks Wikipedia. Because of its obscurity and the fact that it’s a nice hair color, people with blonde hair are generally thought to be more attractive. Similar to how cars with fancy tires are presumed to be faster, people with blonde hair are considered more attractive. Also similar to how cars with fancy tires are presumed to be faster, people with blonde hair are considered more attractive regardless of how they actually look. If you take a pair of Ferrari wheels and throw it on a Volkswagen, you’ll probably look at that Volkswagen and hate yourself for thinking how dope it looks even though it’s only hiding an inline 4 with 190 horsepower. For non-car people, that means you’ll look at a blonde girl (or dude) and can’t help but think about how hot they must be even though they’re only holding onto some saggy boobs or the six-pack’s less attractive cousin, the one-pack.

Blonde hair is like branding. Anything with the Armani logo can be marked up by 65%. The same goes for anything with blonde hair. Now, this isn’t to say that there aren’t beautiful blonde people, in the same way that some Armani products are extremely comfortable…so I’ve been told.

The Blonde Effect has been the ruin of many a poor man and woman. My friend and I, sitting in that oddly lit creative writing workshop, were two of those poor men. If, however, you do find a blonde whose personality and looks match the prestige of her hair color, keep a wary eye. Others will come a knockin’.

Charles Yu proceeded to talk for another half hour about the imminent threat of writer’s block and his interesting transition from being a lawyer to writing for Westworld. I learned a lot from his speech, however the most important thing I learned was this:

Don’t judge a blonde by her color.