Just weeks after the Trump administration announced their idea to give guns to teachers, they quietly shipped a container of glocks, straps, and other fire sticks to each of the Ivies. Despite being done in secrecy, the leader himself couldn’t help but tweet the following:
Appropriately, professors across the eight schools refused to handle the firearms. However, after they were given belt holsters, several faculty members started rocking the pistols as fashion statements.
At Columbia, our remarkably well-dressed professors took those accessories a step further. On Thursday last week, armed professors stormed the core office and forced their own translated written works as the new Lit Hum and CC curricula.
“We’re tenured and we’ve been telling them for years if they trust us enough to instill these students with the most important works known to man, they should use our translations since we’ve worked on them through Columbia’s rigorous standards,” said CC professor Braydon Curran. “If the history and art departments can do it, why not us, teaching the most important education you can receive at this school?”
This gun fever has taken over the faculty. “I love it,” said Lit Hum professor Claudia Bruny as she caressed the recently polished gat against her cheek. “My students always say ‘ma’am’ and never pack up early. And Nika– he always fell asleep– but after I fired a cold one out the window last week, you bet he’s answering questions about the use of weapons in The Aeneid.”
When asked about the extra royalties he and other teachers would receive, Curran cocked his pocket rocket and said, “I’m not entirely sure why we spent the last 12 years advocating for this move and they only just now listened, but it has nothing to do with money and all about the education of our students.”