Dear Committee on the PE Core Requirement,
As a second semester senior delayed in my physical education studies thanks to the vicious cycle of not caring about my physical, emotional, or mental, health, I have received a threatening email requiring direct action in completing my requirements prior to education. You see, I just don’t care enough about my well-being to take a PE class. I already get enough exercise as it is, living in Harmony and walking to Pupin on a daily basis. I don’t need to take a mandated gym class to prove my computer science major is more than just a cliche.
Instead, I’m petitioning to have my 7th floor Ham class count not only as my Art hum seminar but also my PE requirement. Sure, I leave the class I have before ten minutes early to take the elevator most of the time, but if it’s one thing the Columbia administration has taught me, it’s that you have to have trust that I’ll walk up those stairs.
Columbia leads by example and there’s no better example than Deantini. He just waltzes into the building with a briefcase in hand, walks through that front door on the second/fake first floor, and gets to sit in his comfy ass chair. HE DOESN’T EVEN TAKE THE STAIRS! He uses the ADA ramp and goes up that 170 degree ramp to his office.
The petition asks for reasons why I believe this should count as a PE requirement. They are as follows:
- I’m out of breath by the time I get up those three steps and wait for people to open the door as they’re walking out of the building. Talk about cardiovascular exercise.
- Waiting on line for the elevator teaches you patience you can only learn in such PE classes like skiing, when you sleep on the bus; self-paced running, when you ditch into the locker room for twenty minutes; and WII Boxing when your MII avatar lags.
- Thanks to the credit limit, that 1-credit, 50 minute waste of time messes up my entire schedule. This is not a joke, it’s very annoying and you should reconsider your approach to mental health awareness.
- I always think I’m on the fifth floor when I just got to the third. That quick-thinking side shuffle around people opening the staircase doors is just what defensive linemen and center midfielders learn in both footballs.
- In those rare occasions that I do take the stairs [down to the basement so I can take the elevator up without waiting on line], I’m severely sweating. That should count as the swim test.
Considering I’ll probably have like rock hard abs by the time I finish making it up there, I think damn well this class is worth as a PE req.