Seeing how students pack up earlier than their dismissal, professors in Hamilton have taken it upon themselves to adopt MTA rush hour standards to better facilitate student happiness. “My friends and I all have a 6:10 class, but because I’m the only one in Hamilton, I have to rush to grab a table in John Jay at 7:25,” said freshman Jimmy Sellers. “It just adds all this anxiety to getting a table and appeasing my friends. And because I’m on the sixth floor, I sometimes don’t make it out until 7:30, 7:50 sometimes.”
To help Jimmy and others in his situation, professors have adopted the MTA rush hour method where they will allow class to end five minutes early to beat the rush. To make up for the missed class time and in keeping with MTA practices, the class will sporadically and spontaneously meet in the basement, windowless classrooms of Pupin 4 unannounced. “It could be for five minutes, it could be for an hour. We’re really trying to stay true to the MTA ways,” said Professor Keira Skinner.
“I was making my morning scone and tea when I heard students running down the stairs,” Deantini said. “I usually get my scone perfectly dunked by the time class dismisses, so I thought I was late. I looked at my clock— it was only 11:19. So I came out and heard all this rumbling and everyone running straight to John Jay. I commend them, really.”
Deantini had some choice words to say about the professors’ practices in keeping with the transportation agency’s central identity of the city. “Beau– I mean Prezbo and I,” Deantini wrote in a follow-up email, “Have decided the faculty has not initiated enough MTA measures to truly give our students the real New York experience. Beginning tomorrow, we are implementing other strategies like releasing a horrendous B.O./dog urine stench into classroom vents, interrupting an otherwise quiet classroom with singing panhandlers and Showtime! dancers, and occasionally setting the back row of seats on fire.”
“You know, common occurrences one can only enjoy on a NYC subway.” Deantini asked, “I mean, what misnomer is ‘Columbia University in the City of New York’ if we don’t implement New York City living into our students?”
The administration has confirmed if these measures are well received, they will continue providing students with the NYC experience their welcome booklets promised. Such rumored ideas include having an overwhelming majority of black and Hispanic students stopped and frisked, segregating student dorms according to economic class, and replacing Ferris and John Jay dining halls with Whole Foods.