My break Was Impressive Too!

Ethan Widell

We returned to school recently to find a campus teeming with interesting stories of winter vacation adventures. Indeed, many Columbia students occupied themselves by applying for dream jobs, traveling the world, or stressing fictitious missiles in Hawaii. Numerous friends have been so generous as to delineate to me every detail of all of the impressive stuff they did. In the spirit of sharing, I want to take a moment to establish that I too did impressive things over the break.
My friend Dijon says that he backpacked the United Kingdom over the break. He seems to really have liked it. However, this is not impressive. Actually, it sounds really cold. I visited no countries over the vacation. In fact, I stayed at home the whole time. By this I do not mean that I stayed in the general vicinity of home or town or province in which my home is located, but that I actually did not leave my house for the 25 day duration of the break.
The Whole Break.
Didn’t go outside.
I’d say that’s way more impressive than walking somewhere. Up yours, Dijon.
My friend Londyn says that she secured a summer job as a sous chef at the restaurant Les Escaliers. Londyn tells me that this means “the stairs” in French, apparently. I don’t see how that is relevant. French makes things sound fancier than they really are. This means that the French don’t have to actually do anything really well. I however, made a really big sandwich (see above). It was far bigger, I imagine, than any of the sandwiches that Londyn has made. Bigger is better as far as these things go, and this means that I am more impressive than Londyn. Suck it, Londyn.
Why was it Dijon who was in Britain and Londyn who is becoming a chef? Shouldn’t the guy named after a mustard work with food and the girl named after the UK capitol learn how it is spelled? I don’t know, but I’m unimpressed. You should be too. So what if I did go outside to pick up my delivery food, and SO WHAT if I found the picture of that sandwich on Google Images? You should think that I’m impressive anyway. I mean…
I think that I’m impressive.