The Suzanne Goldberg Guide to Rape

Supriya Ambwani

Suzanne Goldberg is a lawyer who is ostensibly an expert on the sex and the gays. She, like Admiral General Aladeen in The Dictator, holds many positions of power at Columbia University in the City of New York. Goldberg, a professor, is also in charge of acquitting sexual predators and shutting down the whiny entitled bitches who accuse those upstanding gentlemen. To ensure that pesky liberal dissenters do not sabotage her path to ensuring a campus that supports every single rapist, regardless of gender, ethnicity, and economic background, she has the power to pass edicts that limit their freedom and punish them for transgressing the boundaries she imposes.

Executive Vice President Goldberg is meticulous in her scheming. The Jester of Columbia has received a copy of her personal handbook from an anonymous source entitled “The Suzanne Goldberg Guide to Rape”. In the interest of transparency and democracy, two values that the Jester has been fighting for since 1901, we have reproduced extracts from her diary below.

 

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The Suzanne Goldberg Guide to Rape

 

What Is Rape?

Rape is a theoretical construct. The legal cases that I quote in class call it penetrative sexual assault because that is what the bothersome social justice warriors say. The Saudis, as usual, get it right by pointing out that women who cry rape are sluts who deserve to die. Campaigning against rape and writing against it in The Huffington Post are wise career moves. Talking about theses subjects in class also ensures positive evaluations at the end of the semester. However, students and professors have started believing this myth. Both Prez Bo and I have decided to crack down on this fake news since we know that sexual assault does not exist at Columbia. Women on this campus like to play the victim by whining about consent and the lack thereof. They cry rape when someone overpowers them before penetrating their orifices. This generation is a disgrace to our world. Back in my day, women would lie back and enjoy submissive fake orgasms; today, they want to be in control all the time and get the real thing. Those damned entitled millennials!

 

Whose Fault Is It?

Many insolent students who should spend more time doing homework and working three jobs to pay off their student debt choose instead to stand on the Low Steps and cry themselves hoarse about something called ‘culpability’. To set the record straight on that one, I need to continually educate those young, ignorant fools that rape is always their fault. Unless, of course, they have been accused of raping someone, in which case we lost the evidence. The people they accused will be CEOs of banks and leaders of nations in the future. Allowing them to leave campus with this bitter aftertaste will only stop them from donating the millions that Columbia spends on fidget spinners, crowd pens, and my salary. Nobody wants that, except those silly girls who cry wolf at every assault. Grin and bear it, honeys! It’s for the greater good.

 

Things To Do When They Insist On Being A Nuisance

Although we have established that rape on Columbia’s campus is a myth, feminism, that radical blot on social sanctity, has led some people to believe that they must seek justice for extremely rough sex (or, as they mistakenly choose to label it, rape). To silence their radicalism, I have created a handy guide to respond to these allegations of ‘rape’. Assume that the complainant is a woman because that is the gender that never shuts up.

Action: Student reports rape by a known fellow student.

Reaction: Ignore her and do not report the assault. No one wants a paper trail. As the campus’ designated reporter, I voluntarily carry out this social service.

Scenario 1: She shuts up, goes home, gets drunk and cuts herself. She never speaks of the incident again, spiraling instead into a wormhole of silent trauma, getting her out of mine and Prez Bo’s way. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

Scenario 2: She insists on pursuing this futile case.

Reaction: Check the accused’s bank balance and see if his parents are alumni donors. If the former is high and the latter is true, destroy all evidence. If she has a high bank balance and alumni donor parents, forward her op-eds and papers that I have written about campus sexual assault to convince her that I, Suzanne Goldberg, care about her. Convince her to withdraw her complaints because we wouldn’t want her identity to be leaked now, would we? If she has neither a high bank balance nor alumni donor parents, ignore her.

Scenario 1: If his parents are rich and powerful, give his family the accuser’s contact details. They will take care of the rest. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

Scenario 2: She insists on bringing the poor young man to ‘justice’ and demands Title IX compliance.

Reaction: Point out that my good friend Betsy took one for the team and shut that shit down.

Scenario 1: She burns her pussy hat and shuts up. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

Scenario 2: She points out that Columbia allowed her rapist to enter her room for a second time/ refused to allow her to move/ penalised her for her obviously made-up assault/ did not give her access to federally mandated resources/ Sexual Violence Response lied to her.

Reaction: Stroke her cheek, call her delusional, and destroy all evidence.

Scenario 1: She gives up, leaves, and spirals into a wormhole of silent trauma, getting her out of mine and Prez Bo’s way. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

Scenario 2: She threatens to sue the university for violating Title IX.

Reaction: Say “No Comments” and wait for Prez Bo’s lawyerly masterstrokes to get Betsy to pardon Columbia in all five of the Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights’ investigations into Title IX violations. Kick her out of my office and pop champagne with Prez Bo, celebrating my triumph over PMSing women. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

 

 

Action: Student reports rape by a professor.

Reaction: Ask her to stop tempting him and distracting him from his research.

Scenario 1: She recognises that he needs to squeeze her ass to concentrate on the research that the university needs to boast about and shuts up. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

Scenario 2: She tells other professors about the ‘sexual assault’.

Reaction: They tell her to stay away from him if she can’t handle his playfulness.

Scenario 1: She drops out, getting her out of mine and Prez Bo’s way. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

Scenario 2: She, being a bothersome third-wave feminist, insists on continuing to study instead of looking for a rich husband at Columbia, forgetting that marriage is the only reason women need to go to college.

Reaction: Ignore her complaints and destroy all evidence.

Scenario 1: She gives up, leaves, and spirals into a wormhole of silent trauma, getting her out of mine and Prez Bo’s way. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

Scenario 2: She threatens to sue the university for violating Title IX.

Reaction: Say “No Comments” and wait for Prez Bo’s lawyerly masterstrokes to get Betsy to pardon Columbia in all five of the Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights’ investigations into Title IX violations. Kick her out of my office and pop champagne with Prez Bo, celebrating my triumph over PMSing women. XXX TARGET ELIMINATED XXX

 

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Due to copyright issues, the Jester of Columbia is not allowed to publish more than one chapter of a book without the explicit permission of its author. Since Admiral General Suzanne Aladeen Goldberg will punish our publication for impinging on her definition of freedom of speech if we publish the rest of her diary, we will desist from doing so on our website. Our readers are, of course, welcome to reach out to us to read the rest in our secret headquarters over absinthe and Adderall.

 

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