That Guy

Andrew Schur

We all know him. He’s at your party whether you invited him or not. He’s preaching about how to get pussy. He’s promising he’ll be there at 8:00 and comes at 11:00. He’s cooking eggplant parmesan with your mom. He’s blasting rap out of his lowered Subaru with four subwoofers causing your eardrums to cry. He’s talking to your dad about his stock portfolio while drinking his champagne.

Now, regardless of where you come from, where you live, or what kind of person you are, you all know that guy. He’s a dick. But he’s your dick. For a while I wondered how that guy always found a way into everyone’s life. I mean think about it, no matter where you are in the world or what stage of life you’re in, he’s there. This means, therefore, that his existence transcends space and time. He epitomizes what you hate and what you love, so despite how much you want to punch him, you can’t help but to like him.

Now maybe you think you’re special and don’t have That Guy in your life. Think again fool. He’s there. Always. If you haven’t been able to identify That Guy, take this test:

 

Do you know anyone who has…

  1. Come to a party to drink the booze?

    1. Yes

    2. No

 

  1. Cooked with your mom?

    1. Yes

    2. No

  2. Boasted about how much pussy they get?

    1. Yes

    2. No

  3. Talked about the massive clouds they blow?

    1. Yes

    2. No

  4. Used any of the following words or phrases: lit, crunk, DTF,

    1. Yes

    2. No

  5. Casually walked into class late with food?

    1. Yes

    2. No

  6. Taken your dog for a walk to pick up girls without your permission?

    1. Yes

    2. No

  7. Worn shorts shorter than 8 inches?

    1. Yes

    2. No

  8. Worn flip flops with socks?

    1. Yes

    2. No

  9. Taken a class in order to get with a girl?

    1. Yes

    2. No

10. Come to a party to drink the booze?

 

  1. Yes

  2. No

 

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, you have met That Guy. If you didn’t answer yes to three or more of these questions, kindly step out from under your rock.

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