Girl Wonders If She Has Necrophilia After Date With Yet Another Guy Who’s Dead Behind the Eyes

Henrietta Steventon

Emma Nabokov, 21, is seeking counselling for necrophilia, as she believes she is only attracted to men who are dead behind the eyes. Nabokov, a senior at Columbia University, had been in a committed relationship with her rower boyfriend Matt since the first week of freshman year, until their break up last month. Nabokov said that she was first drawn to Matt because of his wide range of good qualities: good arms; good back; good chest. ‘Sure, his expression was always a little vacant but what athlete’s isn’t,’ Nabokov said. Since the couple split, Nabokov has been using a variety of dating apps and claims she has swiped right on a range of different men, not just athletes but musicians, scholars and finance bros. However, when it comes to going on dates with these men, she finds they all share the common feature of being excessively vapid, unbanterous and evidently dead behind the eyes. Nabokov told Jester that on Tuesday of this week, she arranged to meet with a Tinder match at The Hungarian Pastry Shop. She tearfully recalled how at one point, her date stared blankly at his coffee cup for 25 minutes, exhibiting no signs of life. Nabokov said the worst part was that it made her ‘want him more’, and she ended up going home with the man.
Nabokov begins therapy this week for suspected necrophilia and says she hopes to re-enter the dating scene at some point, just not at Columbia where the risk of relapse would be too great.