Where is Masturbation Okay?

Andrew Schur

Masturbation, simply put, is the ultimate act of self indulgence. Harshly put, it is a selfish act. Following this idea, it would be improper to masturbate while holding a conversation because it would underscore the importance of that conversation. On the contrary, if you think that the conversation isn’t worth your time, perhaps masturbation would let others know that you really don’t care.

Because masturbation is a selfish act, it is not okay to do during any ceremony honoring another person, for that would underscore their credentials or status. On the other hand, if you are the one being honored in a ceremony, masturbation may not be out of line; it’s a self-indulging act, fitting in perfectly with the fact that you are being honored.

Secondly, I’d like to address the fact that masturbation, while selfish, is also sexual. To this end, it is not be acceptable to masturbate in an area or mood that is not sexual. This is where the line becomes blurred, however, because what is and isn’t sexual is entirely subjective. For instance, one may find the works of Shakespeare incredibly sexual, in which case it wouldn’t be out of place for them to work one out during a Lit-Hum lecture. Perhaps historical works arouse this same individual in which case they wouldn’t be surprised if they walked into the Met and saw a bunch of lascivious individuals getting off to Rembrandt or Van Gogh.

Thirdly, masturbation is a messy process. Therefore, it would be prudent to avoid masturbating in areas that need to be kept clean. Areas that are dirty, however (certain streets in NYC, many public bathrooms, garbage cans, etc.) may lend themselves nicely to masturbation. Maybe this is why one could envision someone masturbating in an alleyway. In any case, do consider your surroundings before masturbating as you may affect them more than you intend to.

If you recognizes these three axioms…

  1. Masturbation is a selfish act.

  2. Masturbation is a sexual act.

  3. Masturbation is a messy act.

…then you shouldn’t have trouble determining where you can and cannot masturbate.

Finally, it is important to note that in certain instances it is safer to masturbate with others rather than alone. Certain animals will look at you while doing their business because they expect you to warn them of predators while they are occupied. This same principle can extend to humans. Don’t do it alone: bring a friend and stay safe.

 

Following is a quiz concerning where it is acceptable and unacceptable to masturbate.

 

  1. A diner:

    1. Acceptable

    2. Unacceptable

  2. A classroom:

    1. Acceptable

    2. Unacceptable

  3. A museum:

    1. Acceptable

    2. Unacceptable

  4. A wedding:

    1. Acceptable

    2. Unacceptable

  5. A funeral:

    1. Acceptable

    2. Unacceptable

 

Answers:

  1. It depends  (2)  It depends  (3) It depends  (4) It depends  (5) Unacceptable

 

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