Trapped on Butler Roof!

10-05-17, 3:00 PM
If you are reading this, I am dead. I have been trapped on the roof of Butler Library. I thought that it would be fun to go where I wasn’t allowed, but the moment that I heard the lock click behind me, I knew that all hope was lost. None of the students on the walkway below can hear me scream, conditioned as they are to the terrified cries of premeds in midterm season. The following is a journal of my experiences.
4:00 PM
Water has been accumulating in empty beer bottles for a long time. There is enough here to last me a while. I’m clearly not the first person up here.
I’ve found shelter underneath an air conditioning unit and I’m ready for the long-haul as a roof dweller.
6:00 PM
I’ve used a granola bar in my backpack to attract some pigeons, and I was able to catch a few in my backpack. Maybe If I catch enough, I can grow my hair out and tie them together like they did with balloons in the movie Up and they will fly me to safety. I’m going to live!
7:00 PM
I’m going to die.
My pigeons suffocated in my backpack.
Pigeons aren’t balloons.
8:00 PM
I’ve decided to cremate my avian friends. I started a fire with some trash and forgotten vodka. I’m really hungry.
8:05 PM
I ate the pigeons.
8:10 PM
Apparently the fire attracted public safety. Instinctively, I ran away and hid behind some big mechanical parts. Why did I do that? They could have been my salvation. That will always bother me…
7:00 AM
It turns out the door wasn’t locked to begin with. Oops.