What Is Barnard?

Michelle Goff

This year, Columbia’s Class of 2018 will graduate. Many of its members will learn about an ominous secret that has haunted Columbia’s campus for years. It is PrezBo’s greatest secret, and he only reveals it to students as they receive their diplomas. They are then sent multiple death threats a day to remind them to keep quiet.

So you can understand why this student, CC’17, wanted to remain anonymous when they divulged the great secret to Jester. We will call them Euslace Willy, for linguistic purposes.

 

J: So, can you tell us this great secret?

EW: Well, I can’t, but if you promise to protect and care for my family after my inevitable death, I will divulge the truth to Jester.

J: This sounds serious. Any requests as to how we use the information we receive from you today?

EW: I want you to expose it to the Columbia community. They all deserve to know.

J: Okay, we promise, and a Jester promise is as solid as the Earth’s future. Now tell us.

EW: Barnard isn’t real.

J: Come again?

EW: Barnard doesn’t actually exist. There aren’t real students there.

J: But…we know a lot of Barnard students..?

EW: Not real. They’re all paid actors. That’s where our tuition money is going.

J: But what about the campus?

EW: It’s just a façade. Occasionally, Columbia students will have classes there so it seems legit, but really, it’s just a research lab where students work tirelessly trying to find the most efficient route for PrezBo’s driver to take when he drives the Audi onto College Walk.

J: But…I’ve been in Barnard dorms…?

EW: No, you’ve been in “Barnard dorms.” It’s all a conspiracy.

J: But…why?

EW: Because Columbia needed to appeal to women. Plain and simple.

 

“Euslace Willy” has since joined the Witness Protection Program. As far as Jester knows, they are still alive. For now…

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