Trump’s Visit to Barnard

Andrew Schur

With a campaign strategy consisting of pussy grabs and tic tacs, Trump decided he would fit right in at Barnard College in the city of New York and gave a speech on campus last Thursday. During his speech he discussed important issues in a globalized world including women’s faults and heterosexuality.

By the end of the speech he had suffered minor casualties and decided that during his visit to Manhattan next month he should better coordinate with the student body’s menstrual cycle. Regardless, here are some of his noteworthy points and the reactions of the students.

“We have made a tremendous effort to get rid of dress codes for women in all public schools. The female body should not be concealed.”

“Mr. President, do you ever let your wife’s dress code distract you from your work?”

“Only when I have to deal with the Cuba.”

“Our movement is a movement built on love.”

“Do you mean a movement built on pussy grabs?”

“Pussy grabs lead to love.”

“Tell that to your wife.”

“When I say I love immigrants I mean I love immigrants.”

“I’m from Mexico do you love me?”

“Security.”

“We need to get the ‘bad hombres’ out.”

“Actually it’s pronounced ‘ohm-bres.’”

“Ahmbres.”

“No, ‘ohm-bres.’”

“Ahmbres.”

“Ohmmmmm-bres.”

“Ahmbres?”

“Ohm-bres.”

“Whatever we speak American here.”

“Abortion is unlawful.”

“Don’t you think that’s a decision best left for women to make?”

“Depends on the time of the month.”

“Fuck you.”

“I’d fuck me too.”

“I’ve decided that the wall will be part wall part fence.”

“Why a fence?”

“It rhymes with Pence.”

During his next trip to Manhattan Trump will be visiting Columbia University (also in the city of New York), Barnard College’s older brother. He’s prepared to address the lack of republicans on campus, the excessive diversity, and the unnecessary praise of Ancient Greeks, or “immigrants” as he calls them.

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