A (Un)Comprehensive List of Birth Control Used by Columbia And Barnard Students

Supriya Ambwani & Ethan Widell 

 

Columbia Health conducted a massive, university-wide study of birth control methods employed by Columbia and Barnard students from 1917-2017. It has decided to publish this data through the only responsible source of journalism at Columbia University in the City of New York: The Jester of Columbia.

 

Under the terms and conditions of the Columbia University Safe Sex Act, the Jester is required to advise its readers to not have sex because they will get pregnant, have a coat hanger abortion, and die. We advise our readers to follow this advice mostly because Ann Thornton, as part of her War on Fun, has installed cameras linked to Pornhub.com in the stacks.

 

Now that the necessary disclaimers have been thrown out there, The Jester is proud to present to you a century’s worth of research on how different communities at our diverse institution save themselves from making babies while getting down ‘n dirty:

 

 

Abstinence

Columbia University College Republicans have the highest rates of abstinence on campus. However, it must be noted that this method of birth control is not practiced by choice; it is instead the result of a gradual increase in the overall decision-making powers of the rest of the university’s population.

 

Breastfeeding

Adherents of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, better known as Mormons, practice breastfeeding as a means of birth control. Unfortunately, as many practitioners are shocked to realise when they unexpectedly fail to menstruate for another 9 months, this is only effective for a period of six months after giving birth.

 

Castration

Many have found that the best way to prevent childbirth is to become a eunuch. This has the added benefit of making a Columbia graduate eligible to maintain Prezbo’s personal Harem.

 

Condoms

Political Science and Economic majors are the predominant users of condoms on campus since they lack the creativity to find a better, less bland alternative.

 

Honour Killing

Women (and many male homosexuals) who identify as Brown abstain from sexual relations under the threat of suffering an honour killing.

 

IUD

Women’s March attendees who are terrified of losing insurance coverage for birth control have switched to IUDs which often last longer than presidential terms.

 

Patch

Natives of regions that are affected by mosquito-borne diseases like zika, dengue, and malaria instinctively stick patches on their skin to protect themselves from fetuses the way mosquito patches purportedly protect them from spending extended periods of time suffering from potentially fatal, unwanted illnesses. Unfortunately for them, both are often a lie.

 

Morning-After Pill

Students named Chads’ one-night stands and procrastinators.

 

Personality

For a select few, being an absolute shit of a human being really does the trick. See: abstinence

 

Prayer

The method of choice for many religious groups and some non religious ones too! The benefit found in this form of birth control is that if it fails, your unwanted child is God’s fault.

 

Pulling-Out

Members of the Columbia University Wrestling Team claim to have as much control over their penises as they do over their group messages. They thus attempt to practice pulling out but often fail and blame it on their barely-conscious partners for being ugly.

 

Sponge

Primarily employed by Columbia Facilities. This is more effective as a means of cleaning your child then as a contraceptive.

 

Socks and Sandals

This method has been used across the athletics department for years and has been found to be incredibly effective. The only shortcoming is that it is considerably less effective on others who are using the same method.

 

Vasectomy

The most commonly feigned form of Birth Control.

 

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