Plan Your Kid’s Labor Day/Back-to-School Party (& Skip Those Pesky Wal-Mart Lines with Amazon Prime)

Sean Rafferty

Hey parents, guardians, and caregivers of New York! It’s Nimrod the Clown here, with some more tips on having fun with young kids. So, if you’re anything like me and my partner, you were probably sitting around on September 3rd, dripping hot corn chowder on the calves of a gagged and bound runaway, and just breaking out in hives from the stress of planning the bangingest back-to-school party on the block. Luckily for all the kids whom I’ve, in one way or another, been charged with raising, I’ve got a whole basement full of hacks, tips, and fun ideas that make my back-to-school parties so fly that you may never leave!  I thought, in the spirit of all the beneficent prophets before me, that I would spread my own good word unto you fellow caregivers of this garbage city. So, slather some hydrocortisone on those stress rashes and take a dry sit on your sybian, because this is the last list of back to school party planning essentials that you’ll ever read!

First of all, folks, and I think this should go without saying but, DON’T HIRE A CLOWN! It’s 2017. Coulrophobia is a real, widespread cultural phenomenon. A few years ago, the University of Sheffield conducted a study by polling 250 child hospital patients about ward décor, and all 250 reported a dislike, and in some cases, fear, of clowns. Remember last year, that flare up of murderous, wandering clowns that terrorized various communities across the nation? Remember It? Remember Pagliacci? Clowns have been clinically sad, murderous cuckolds for centuries. If we were actually happy, we wouldn’t need all this makeup! Do you know how much clown makeup costs? The truth is, not a whole lot. I like Graftobian, and that’s only about twenty bucks with Prime. Don’t even bother with that Snazaroo bologna. Okay, but, when you’re constantly reapplying it because your lithium-salted tears corrode away your foundation (which is another twenty bucks a jar), it really adds up. Look, all I’m saying is that we’re probably not people that you want around your kids, and we’re definitely not people you want around other people’s kids for whom you’re responsible.

Secondly, snacks. Two words, one twist: Cheez-it Grooves. If you don’t like Cheez-Its, that’s your prerogative, and you can just skip this passage altogether. If you do like Cheez-Its, then close your eyes and ask the person closest in proximity to you to read the rest of this passage aloud. If you’re alone right now, try to be strong, and remember, you’re not the only one. Alright, here we go. Recall that familiar crinkle of high density polyethylene when you plunge your hand into a box of Cheez-its Originals. Maybe somebody got there first, so you pull the whole bag out and unroll it. Hear the greedy crackling as you fish out a cracker and look around to see if anyone’s looking. Shhh. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just put it in your mouth. Nuh-uh-uh. Too fast. You chewed, you swallowed, and it was so underwhelming. There’s a blandness that you weren’t expecting. Maybe from a Saltine, but surely not your Cheez-its. You’re reminded of Animal Crackers. You wonder why whoever went to the grocery store last didn’t just buy the white cheddar Cheez-its. You blaspheme. It doesn’t have to be this way. Slow down, you think, and place another Cheez-it down at the end of your tongue, draw into your mouth, and crush it against your soft pallet. Allow the cracker to steep inside the rush of saliva deployed by the sudden sodium intake. There’s that down-home flavor you missed.

Okay, now we’re back. That’s how one properly eats a Cheez-it to extract maximum flavor. The problem, if it can be seen as such, is that this approach scratches and tears the mouth. Like so many pleasurable activities, we accept scratches and tears as an inescapable consequence.  But imagine if there was a snack so bonkers that it concentrates the flavor of a mouthful of Cheez-it saliva into one, single cracker? That’s Grooves for you. At $2.88 for a 9-ounce box, (original cheddar not offered through Prime), versus the same price for a 12.4-ounce box of Originals, I’d say the first-class bump to flavor town is well worth the 9¢ per ounce difference.

Alright, let’s recap. I recommend a sharpie and maybe a legal pad or post-it note, or your heavily sedated partner’s forehead: one, don’t hire a clown; two, Cheez-it Grooves. We’re running out of space here, and honestly, since I am a professional, I can’t reveal all of my secrets, so here’s one last invaluable tip. Rent farm animals. They’re the kind of interactive, life-experience-rewarding fun you sought with clowns, without any of the suicidal ideations, which, for the record, are absolutely contagious, and far more dangerous than the swine flu. I’ll plug my personal favorite donkeys-for-hire, Tickle Me Pony Parties, renting ass from coast to coast for 26 years now. They describe their donkeys as “kind, friendly, gentle, loving, and game for just about anything!” And frankly, folks, it just doesn’t get any better than that.

Unfortunately that’s all we have time for today, but if I know anything in this world, it’s that if you’ve got the Grooves and you’ve got the swine, and the ass, and maybe even a few flat-brained cocks around for the adults with loose cash in their pockets (you’re going to have to prowl the forums for any decent hardware—thanks PETA), and you keep the clowns as far away from your property as possible, they’ll be yammering on about your party until Summer comes back around!

Yours in service,