On John Jay Elevators

Andrew Schur


Ahhh yes. The doors opening is as satisfying as hearing the Indian technician pick up your 1-800 call on the other line, finally available to explain how to delete porn from your history and clear your cookies. I step into the elevator from the 13th floor and immediately start praying that no one else will get on.

Alas the elevator slows on the 12th floor, coming to a halt quicker than the housing market fell, faster than Trump has ever contradicted himself, and more painfully than stepping on Legos barefoot. My dreams are crushed as I watch a girl get on and do something that makes me want to puke. She hits number 11, one floor beneath us. Is she trying to kill me? Evidently. She said something to me and in my state of wonder and contempt I replied “yeah,” not having a clue what she said.

“Did you drop the soap?”


“Would you have sex with Trump?”


I contemplated saying something to her, telling her that possibly taking the stairs would be good for me, her thighs, and Mother Nature, but my anger was paralyzing. She got off at 11 as if nothing had happened.

There are some unspoken rules to the elevators. Because they’re unspoken, you have to use common sense to figure them out. Surprisingly, even at one of the most prestigious universities in the world common sense and elevator etiquette seem scarce, so here are a list of rules:


Rule #1: Anyone on the seventh floor and below, take the stairs. America is the second fattest country in the world (thanks Mexico), you can change that.


Rule #2: Only take the elevator if you are traveling more than seven flights. e.g. Do not get on the elevator from the 11th floor to go to the 8th, unless of course you’re looking to have no friends.


Rule #3: Never click the elevator button, realize it’s taking too long, and leave. We will find you.


Very rarely does greatness ride hand in hand with fat. Great people are not all fat. We consider ourselves the greatest university in the greatest city in the world. Be great, not fat. Avoid thunder thighs, long lines, and death stares by taking the stairs.