Tales from Broadway- The Discount Ticket Line

Mark Prusakowski

Being the one deadbeat in my group of theater friends who has not yet seen The Book of Mormon on Broadway, I decided to bite the bullet on Monday and skip class to see the show that Playbill calls “a purr-fect performance that’s sure to a-meow-se children of every age.” (Or maybe that’s from another musical; I honestly never put any research into these things) As ticket prices currently sit around the “hell no” mark, my only feasible option was to wait in the cancellation line in hopes of snagging a couple of tickets at a steep discount.


You can read my live blog of the day’s events below:

5:00 AM- I grab an extra-large cup of coffee from JJ’s before heading out to the subway. My provisions for the day include an iPad charger, several bags of chips, and a coloring book in case I get bored.
5:08- There’s no one in my car except a man in a big puffy jacket that’s at least three sizes too big for him. He keeps flicking a lighter on and off and muttering something under his tongue. I sit on the opposite end of the car and mentally remind myself that stereotyping is hurtful.
5:30- I arrive in front of the theater. There’s already a short line of people who have been camping out here the entire night. I step over a snoring man in a sleeping bag before he realizes I’ve taken his spot.
6:30- The first hour has passed by uneventfully. This is going to be easier than I thought.
7:15- My coffee cup is now empty. I’m honestly surprised it lasted this long.
7:40- I really need to use the bathroom right now. I ask the woman behind me if she’ll save my spot and she says no.
8:00- I seriously need to pee and I’m running out of options.
8:03- My coffee cup is now full again.
8:48- A homeless man uses the opportunity to go down the line asking for change. I pretend I only speak Japanese so he won’t bother me. The Japanese lady sitting next to me doesn’t look very happy.
9:02- There are way more children here than there should be.
9:20- I call my mom and tell her what I’m doing. She says “That’s nice” but there’s a hint of disappointment in her voice.
10:01- Josh Gad’s supposed to be in this one, isn’t he? I love that guy.
10:30- I’ve been here for five hours and already three fights have broken out. Theater people are weird.
12:10- I give a kid $10 and ask him to go buy me a sandwich.
12:43- He hasn’t come back yet. Poor kid’s probably lost.
1:08- What am I even doing here? I don’t even like South Park.
2:56- An elderly man near the front passes out from heat exhaustion and gets taken away in a stretcher. Everyone cheers as the line moves forward a bit.
3:40- A pedestrian walking by throws some change at my feet. I want to yell back at him that I’m not homeless but I’m too busy picking up the money.
4:15- Finally bored with the coloring book, I start tearing out the pages and making them into paper airplanes. I know I probably look like an idiot but I honestly don’t care at this point.
6:24- A couple of Mormons walking by tell me that God will punish me for watching this show. I tell them he already has.
8:00- The ticket office is finally open. I try to get up but I’m stuck to the sidewalk. I ask the woman behind me if she’ll help me up and she says no.
8:08- I am informed that they have just sold out of tickets. I spend the rest of the evening watching The Emoji Movie through teary eyes in the back of a discount movie theater.