Millennials are Killing the Pickup Line Genre

Michelle Goff

As any good Baby Boomer knows, Millennials are constantly destroying every reminder of the American Dream in today’s society. With the advent of Tinder, many Millennials have found a new precious gem to crush in the grips of their iron fists: the Pickup Line.  Sure, dating sites can furnish good pick-up lines occasionally, but it’s so much more respectable to simply and directly solicit sex when you don’t have to look a person in the eye.
Fear not, Baby Boomers! Jester has compiled a list for our Millennial readers of
excellent, dying Pickup Lines to revive before their next romantic encounters. Since some Millennials also don’t know how to have a real, human conversation with a love (or lust) interest (LI), we’ve also compiled a list of appropriate situations in which to use these all-star lines.

Line #1: Do you mind if I walk you home? My mother always told me to follow my dreams.
When to Use: If you are already actively stalking someone*, this would be a good line to use the next time you want to pop out of the bushes and have a real conversation.
When Not to Use: After said LI files a restraining order against you.

Line #2: My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can’t hold it in.
When to Use: In a crowded club, where the LI is free to run away at the first smell of trouble.
When Not to Use: Once you already have your clothes off. (Alternatively, if your LI is already aware that you have plenty of digestive issues).

Line #3: If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.
When to Use: Never.
When Not to Use: Always.

Line #4: Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
When to Use: During your FroSci lecture.
When Not to Use: On a date to Jurassic Park.

*Note: Jester does not condone stalking. If we see you behind the bushes, we will force you to come to our meetings, which is equivalent to spending 2 hours in hell.