Rump: The Art of the Veal

Donald at a photo shoot for Rump: The Art of the Veal, pictured arriving to the set (left) and after a cameraman referenced Trump Steaks (right). 

Hi Donald Trump here, and I’m selling you my knew book, Rump: The Art of the Veal, the greatest ever newest cookbook for all you’re veal cooking needs. Bye this book twoday and ewe will Shirley sea watt an awesome cook you can bee.

Learn from the best—that’s me!—and you will get inspired to become the greatest (second greatest) cooker of veals you can expect. Everyone knows there’s only one place to get the great meat for the great veal: the rump. That’s why I named my book Rump. Everyone knows this. If you don’t know this you’re an idiot and you deserve to be sent back to whatever parts—CHINA.

Read this book and you will learn what the great cooks of your day—me—have done with their rumps. We sat on them, making sure they greatly held all the juices you would want to eat with your V(eal). Just because I’m a nice, great guy, I’ll give you a great 5 point summary of what to expect from this great book.

Grab it by the tushie:

If you see a calf or a cow even, and you know you want it badly, but you don’t know how to go about and get it from the cow, just grab it by the tushie (Bannon hates the Jews so I won’t be using any more of their slang from now on). It doesn’t matter if the cow doesn’t moo or whatever, you’re a man and it’s a cow. They’re lesser than women, we all know that.

Take away hands-tender bites:

Angry cows, happy meals? 

You’re a real man. You marinate that veal until there’s no hope left. You make sure to take away any rights—I mean bites—the tender might have. What’s hands-tender you ask? Well I frankly don’t know but I know my son Pencey is really angry at them so I figured it has something to do with grabbing them by the tushie until your hands get tender.

Hide the blacks’ heartburn:

I’m friends with the blacks. I also love the Mexicans. No to CHINA. So I got some barbeque and gave it to my good friend Kanye and hid his heartburn. Can’t let that get out to the fake news press. Alt fact: I miss the old Trump. I am the new Kanye.

So that’s my 3 point summary, exactly as promised. I’m a man of my word, and I have the best words.

By: Cat Gioino