How to Fix a Broken Alcoholic

  1. Identify the broken alcoholic. Name him Bob.  
  2. Note the presence of the brokenness and alcoholism in Bob. Alcoholism is defined as the act of drinking alcoholic beverages stronger than Kombucha before noon. Brokenness is the act of feeling broken because of alcoholism.
  3. Check if Bob is a college student. If he is a college student, he is not a broken alcoholic. This definition only applies to non-college students.
  4. If he is not a college student and can be defined as a broken alcoholic, it becomes your responsibility to fix him. You must use your selflessness to spread some humanity in this carbon-filled planet.
  5. Give Bob a hug and lay him down in a beach chair under the sun. If you are in the Sahara Desert, lay him down in the shade.
  6. Pour a bottle of vodka into a large glass jar. Put the jar in the shade.
  7. Check on Bob. Give him a hug.
  8. Find a meadow and pick all the botanicals that you can find. Botanicals include berries, seeds, roots, and citrus peels. Lay them out under the sun next to Bob.
  9. Give Bob a hug.
  10. Once the botanicals are dry, put them inside the glass jar filled with vodka. Seal the jar. Put the jar in the shade.
  11. Go nap for three days. Check on Bob occasionally and feed him cake.
  12.  Give Bob a hug.
  13.  Unseal the jar. Filter its contents through a sieve into another jar. This new liquid is called gin.
  14.  Give Bob a hug and go to the store. Buy a bottle of tonic water.
  15.  Pour some gin into a glass.
  16.  Keep pouring.
  17.  Stop pouring.
  18.  Pour tonic water into the gin (which is in the glass).
  19.  Stop pouring tonic water.
  20.  Hand the glass to Bob. Do not hug him.
  21.  Ask Bob to drink the gin and tonic. Let the alcohol hug him.
  22.  Congratulations! Bob is no longer broken. He is now a happy alcoholic.
  23.  Pat yourself on the back.
  24. Ensure that it is after noon and pour yourself a drink.

By: Supriya Ambwani

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