A Modern Epistolary Saga

1) Lunch Letters to Johnny from Mommy

Hey there buddy pal friendo,

How’s it going, bud? What’s cookin’ good lookin’? Actually I know, I made your favorite, PB and J with the crust cut off and in the shape of a heart. But is anything poppin’? Is everything cool? Whatever, LOL.

So Johnny, I know you’re going through a lot lately, with middle school and your braces. And I remember that accident you had at soccer practice the other day with the white shorts. Listen, it wasn’t raining and the field wasn’t muddy.

I totally understand the whole one-testicle thing. I know you didn’t want your stepfather bringing you to the sauna next to the morgue– and then to the morgue after– but he just thought that was the best way to show you a regular, normal, healthy man.

Don’t worry about it– he’s in his eighties. It’s the life you live when your mother’s a gold digger. LOL. Johnny I wanted you to know we can both hear what you’re doing in your room. Both of us. BOTH.

That’s right. Even your 83-year-old-327.3-million-dollar stepfather heard you. I’m not sure what animal made that sound last night, but I can assure you it has something to do with that other ball drop.

Listen, you’re still growing. I want you to be careful next time. Like don’t scream out Dianitina. Needless to say, it’s  awkward. Plus all the graphic scenery. You should consider being a writer, but no one is that detailed in anything they do. So make sure no one’s around.

Aighty. All right? LOL Have fun in school today and enjoy your lunch!

Love,

Mom Diana


2)  Emails to Dianitina

Hi Dianitina gurrl, how you doin’ ?

Like omigosh why do u kidz tawk lyke dis?

Alright, I can pander to your younger brother but you’re already in Columbia. Plus, you wouldn’t believe what I heard him saying. Well, actually, I should probably tell you in person. That’s .. . Well it’s not important right now.

I know how much you love doing Model UN. How you’re concentrating in International Relations for the Political Science subfield, and minoring in East Asian Studies because you don’t want to be basic, so I totally get you where you’re going.

And you know your very–very– rich father can get you a job anywhere. Don’t you worry. Like, seriously, he was just on the phone with Estonia. THE ENTIRE COUNTRY OF ESTONIA DIANITINA.

But listen honey, this is a serious question–I’m going through your bank statements. Just what is International? You told me, it was for a Model UN Summit, but, why would it be open on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Tuesday nights? Also, why is the spending so odd? $18 on Tuesdays, $62 on Thursday?

Look I have no idea what it is but I would appreciate it if you would at least let me know if there’s anything I can help with. I understand you’re underage and don’t know jack squat why that $15 wine is not worth it but that $40 one is. I’m sure you have some reason to get Limaritas from Rite Aid instead of making it yourself. I’m just hoping you’re not one of those Nikolai sluts. Please, I was never that kind of gold digger.

Alright honey, let me know if you need any help choosing between Kahlua’s and Bailey’s.

Your mother,

Diana


3) Texts Between Dianitina and Johnny

J: Hey uhh

D: You know I’m busy what

J: What do you do

D: God mom was telling me something about you

J: WHAT WHAT DID SHE SAY

D: Nothing geez

J: SERIOUSLY TELL ME

D: Holy Fuck I don’t have time for this let me know what you want or else I’m blocking you

J: I MATCHED WITH MOM ON SEEKING ARRANGEMENT!

D: WHAT LMAO ARE YOU SERIOUS

J: *screenshot*

D: HOLY SHIT

J: Di

D: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

J: Di, is this what she meant when she told you something

D: I don’t know. BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT

J: … What do you mean

D: HOLY SHIT WHATD YOU DO?

J: Well I got fucking really scared shitless

D: Well yea obvs

J: So I deleted the app

D: But did you have a pic up

J: … Yea

D: HOLY FUCK THIS IS AMAZING

J: Ok no it’s not

D: It’s not like you’re getting anything anyway

J: STFU Di you know I

D: What

J: I really really like someone

D: Yea that girl you never tell me the name of and you’re always asking me stupid questions

J: YEA WELL I CANT HELP IT WHEN I FUCKING MATCH WITH MY FUCKING MOM WHOS ON SEEKING ARRANGEMENT WHEN SHES FUCKING AN 80 YEAR OLD

D: Look I’m not telling you anything until you send me this girl’s FB

J:……..


4) Lunch Letters to Johnny from Mommy

Hey what’s up sport?

Listen, I know how awkward it must have been the other day. No, not that with your father.

It’s. . . well. . .OH NOT THAT EITHER.

I didn’t tell her anything, but that’s because, well you know, my full name is also Dianitina and I figured you—Well Seeking Arrangement—

I can talk to you about this at the sauna next to the morgue. And then if you’re nice, we’ll go to the morgue too. Your father told me how much you enjoyed it. But, hey bud. I’m subletting your room on airBNB when you go away for school. And I have you to thank.

You’re always spending so much time in your sister’s room, God knows doing what—all I hear is lighting humming and you dropping things—oh but not that! Burn! LOL hahaha.

That, and there are a lot of kids out there just like you. Well, a ball bit better than you. And seeing the terrible lengths you go through to, “have fun,” I figured this was a perfect opportunity to open a philanthropy.

And so I sublet your room for a few hours while you’re at school to people your age—even some of your very [mature] classmates. I’m sure you have nothing to hide—everything’s in the closet anyway, along with you[r ball] and so I hope you don’t mind. I just know the other day you came (no not that I know you can’t) down the stairs with some nasty-ass (that is what the kids say right?) sheets, but your socks were in the same disgusting condition. So I didn’t want you getting worried.

Oh well, have fun at school today. Obviously someone’s having more fun back here.

Your mother,

Diana

By: Cat Gioino

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