In honour of Valentine’s Day and to avoid such eloquence being appreciated posthumously, I wish to share with you the musings of a thirsty Sophomore, with all the lust of a James Joyce letter but slightly less smut. All resemblance to real Core Curriculum Professors is purely coincidental.
When I started freshman year; I just wanted to score
And I would still be celibate, if it weren’t for the Core
I’ve waited for this moment since I donned the Pantone Blue
I scoured Cannon’s, Mel’s and frats, just searching for a boo
I looked for love amongst my peers but couldn’t find it there,
What get’s me hot’s a teaching job and slightly greying hair
I tried my best in Lit Hum but that notion was Quixotic
But now this year, I know my love is more than just Platonic.
My prof gives me A pluses; but I still prefer his D.
He’s fit and he’s got wit, but he CC’s something in me?
My classmates stay up through the night, before the final, fretting
But I don’t have to worry; I’m the one the teacher’s petting.
MW, from 6-8’s the worst damn section time,
But I mined a golden nugget; now that golden nugget’s mine.
I’ve never plagiarised but he sure broke my code of honour
My best mate’s got a 4.0 but no one’s all up on her
Mom said to focus on schoolwork but when we’re copulating
My grades are getting better (and so’s his CULPA rating)
He’s married but it’s fine cos I’m his Hamilton Hall Pass
If other teachers did the same, I might just go to class!
I spent too long in 209; knew what I had to do-
Won’t screw your grade point average if they’re busy screwing you!
So fellow Lions, Barnard Bears, take heed and make like me,
Say your goodbyes to Butler, and you’ll still get your degree
Who needs pre-games, just make your moves at all your seminars
And spread your legs far wider than dear Alma’s dark bronze arms
Start with one golden nugget, soon you’ll have the whole six pack!
Phi Beta Kappa’s guaranteed with this plan of attack.