A Pair of Parasites

The word just came in: The queen has a parasite. Well, two actually.

Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about the fact that Beyoncé is having twins. Now some might say to liken children to parasites is disgusting. I would like to preface this article by saying that I do, in fact, love children, despite the contradictory nature of such a preference to my role as a Jester staff writer.

But the parasite analogy, nonetheless, is one that really makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. For example, on Google Dictionary, parasite is defined as “an organism that lives in another organism and benefits by deriving nutrients at the host’s expense.” So that’s exactly what babies do. They live in their mom, and they eat her food, so she has to eat even more, and they cause her to gain weight and get sick and break out and sometimes die, if the parasite is serious enough.

An additional definition provided by the illustrious Google Dictionary for parasite is “a person who habitually relies on or exploits others and gives nothing in return.” Technically, this is also what children do. They take your money, and your time, and sometimes your sanity, and unless they grow up to be, well, Beyoncé, I guess, it’s hard for them to pay that all back.

Despite the seriousness of Beyoncé’s condition (a pair of parasites is pretty intense), we wish her all the best! Hopefully these fast-growing parasites are destined to help rid the world of the great orange parasite that currently plagues it. Given who their mother is, we have high hopes! (Beyoncé’s twins for the 2060 presidential/ vice presidential ticket, anyone?)

By: Michelle Goff