After drinking three bottles of Charles Shaw wine on Friday night, J. K. Rowling spilled her deepest secrets to a rapt audience of post-inauguration, anti-Brexit millennials in a bar in Cottingham. Collective groans sounding suspiciously like “TMI” went around when Ms. Rowling revealed that she did in fact wear Merlin’s Most Baggy Y-Fronts. The audience gasped when she disclosed that Percy Weasley was indeed, faithful to popular speculation, Ed Sheeran. However, Cottingham exploded in riots as the bestselling author drunkenly slurred her next statement: “Alsoooo, honeypies, I did, in factoid, write Harry Potter and the Cursed Child while I was high on shrooms.”
The shaken pub owner reported that at those words, tankards of beer were hurled through windows, concussing a couple fondling in the dumpsters. Many of the young liberal snowflakes in the crowd melted into puddles of tears onto the floor of the pub while the older, racist bar-goers cried that Ms. Rowling’s brains had been addled by the armies of brown work-shirkers storming the country.
Ms. Rowling was forced to seek cover in the dungeon whilst raving hordes stormed above her, baying for her blood. As a tearful marijuana-smoker explained to the police before being tasered, “Mate, I’ve had trust issues all my life because of your fucked-up generation. First, you told me that I would get a job if I worked hard. Then, you said that the colonies would make my beer cheaper. And then you tell me that the last goddess on this planet wrote the words on my toilet paper. How do you think that makes me feel, you ignorant toerag?”
By: Supriya Ambwani