CUTER DOGS TO END MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ON CAMPUS!

Columbia University has announced that, in light of the recent tragic deaths in the community, they will be dramatically increasing the attention towards mental health support on campus, under the auspices of Columbia Psychological Services. Head spokesperson for CPS, Dr. D. Gaff, said that President Bollinger had increased the mental support budget by 50%, raising it to a whopping 75 dollars for 2017. Dr. D. Gaff told Jester that his team had already started to take action with the generous budget and were starting work on their new venture immediately. According to Dr. D. Gaff, CPS would be seizing control of the previously student-led Puppy Study Breaks in John Jay and spending the total mental health budget on funding for “slightly cuter therapy dogs,” a plan the entire CPS team feels is certain to put an end to all mental health issues on campus.

Dr. D. Gaff said that the idea struck him when watching a re-run of Lassie: “For ages, we had been trying to figure out the cause of these mental health issues on campus. Workload? Stress? Discrimination? Having ruled out all these options, we were stuck. Then it hit me-the dogs weren’t cute enough!”

CPS reviewed Puppy Study Breaks data alongside recent mental health related incident data, with the team of semi-professionals concluding that the cause of such tragedies was almost certainly that the previous dogs were not physically endearing enough to adequately psychologically support the students. CPS has enlisted the help of 5 labrador puppies, having released 2 of the more mature dogs from the program due to their manginess. The new additions to the dog squad will ensure that each member of the student community has complete psychological support, with the ratio of dog to students becoming an intimate 1 dog to 400 students. CPS will be holding their first Puppy Study Break event this Wednesday at 2pm but advised students that any person found skipping class to attend would be persecuted for breaching the Academic Code of Honor, which states that a student must place their academic wellbeing above their mental wellbeing.

By: Henrietta Steventon

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