Leftovers Spark Existential Crisis

A widespread post-Thanksgiving epidemic has hit the United States. After eating cold turkey throughout the week, many young, poor students who were bumming expensive Thanksgiving food off their parents for the past week have begun to question their identity.

“As I eat leftovers, I wonder if all I am is a leftover,” pondered Jack Argod, 22, of Iowa, “My parents don’t want me, no companies want to hire me, and I’m just out there as a back up plan, so to speak. Good only if employers need something quick to pop in the microwave.”

“I’m obsessed with leftovers,” reported Azara Standin, 26, “But then I think, why am I so obsessed with leftovers? It’s because they’re cheap, and easy. And then I realized, maybe that’s why my boyfriend is obsessed with me. Because I’m cheap, I mean I rarely bathe and I wear the same pair of sweats every day. And I was super easy to settle for, because we both have no hope and no job prospects. We’re in the same boat.”

Natalie Parker, 32, remarked that she still often feels like a leftover, “My boss just gives me the stupid jobs he doesn’t want. My friends are all getting married and having kids, and hanging out with me seems like a sort of an afterthought. I have all these bad habits, and there’s no way I can quit them cold turkey, because a lot of the time, they’re the only thing keeping me going.”

Stay tuned with Jester on whether this existential epidemic will spark any long-term damage.

By: Michelle Goff