Relative Roundup: A Quick Analysis of Your Average ‘Merican Family

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You’ll need a lot of stuffing this Thanksgiving. Read on for why…

So, a lot of people will be gathering around that big cornucopia tomorrow to spend some good ‘ol quality time with the family. While for many of us, this is an incomparable joy, others, especially after this election season, are quite genuinely terrified of the conversations that might be had around this dinner table.

Grab some stuffing and stuff your face and mind with this careful analysis of every relative that could possibly be at your Thanksgiving dinner.

1. The Trump-Supporting Uncles (TSU): So this is the pretty basic first level of worrisome relatives. There are a couple approaches you can take here if you happen to be one of those crazies who didn’t support Trump and the hateful things he stands for. You might try stuffing your face with as much stuffing as possible and pretending to choke every time the conversation veers in the direction of politics. Another way to go is starting a cranberry- sauce throwing argument in which you attempt to communicate your opinion to people who will most likely never agree with you. Unfortunately, there is no option involving civilized debate: when it comes to the TSUs, it’s simply impossible.

2. The Cousin Who Will Always Outperform You: Try not to let it get to you. No, really, really try. Because here’s the thing: no matter what you say, the cousin will try, and succeed, in one-upping you. So just keep stuffing your face with stuffing and own the fact that eating is really the only thing you’re good at.

3. The Cousin Who Really Went off the Deep End: Whether he’s dealing drugs or doing them, the Cousin Who Really Went off the Deep End will be the one robbing the bank where The Cousin Who Will Always Outperform You is CEO. Don’t talk about him, please. Your Jewelry-Clad Aunt will probably have to pull out her Kleenexes, and then it will become a whole thing. Which brings us to…

4. The Jewelry-Clad Aunt: Get ready to say, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” because you will need that phrase in every single conversation with the Jewelry-Clad Aunt.

5. The Older Relative Who is Hard of Hearing: Whether it’s a grandparent or a great- grandparent, this relative will constantly ask you to repeat yourself. Rest your voice today so you will be prepared to yell: “PASS THE STUFFING PLEASE” at the top of your lungs.

6. The Cousins Who Are New Parents and Think They Know Everything: So, their baby is cute. But their obsession with parenting? Not so much. Plug your ears with stuffing unless you wanna hear ALL THE RHETORIC about how too much TV will rot the kid’s brain and how they’re trying to raise a bilingual child even though the most culture they’ve ever gotten was a trip to South of the Border (the theme park between North and South Carolina).

7. The Cousin Who Brought Her New Boyfriend to the Party: Be careful: this dude has no idea how crazy your family actually is. He might start trying to have a real conversation with somebody, so make sure that doesn’t happen.

8. That Awkward Neighbor that Nobody Ever Really Invites: Maybe his family left him, or maybe he murdered them. There’s really no way to know. But both options give you a good reason to be nice to the awkward neighbor. You know, either because you feel sorry for him, or because he might kill you if you aren’t.

However, do not lose hope! There is still one more relative we haven’t mentioned, and I guarantee she’ll be the bright spot in the darkness of your hopeless Thanksgiving.

9. The Dog: Sneak stuffing crumbs to her under the table, and you’ll be her favorite the whole time. Once you’ve gotten in good with The Dog, there’s a chance that you just might be able to survive your family Thanksgiving.

By: Michelle Goff

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