Ah, Thanksgiving: the chance to finally, finally succumb to a blissful carbohydrate-induced coma and numb out all your inner turmoil from the collective national nightmare of 2016.
But just as you’re sitting down to the feast you’ve held in your sights all year as a beacon of comfort in a cold, cruel world, some asshole mentions the election. Boom: it all comes rushing back in a furious tsunami of Trump supporters versus everyone else. All the violent rhetoric of the presidential election is combined with the latent aggressions and petty feuds of familial rivals, and your turkey has suddenly gone cold.
Decent humans, have no fear! Jester’s got your back with the following ways to deal with Uncle Johnny. You, know, Uncle Johnny: your otherwise nice relative who somehow-inexplicably-even-though-he-has-a-daughter voted for Trump.
Method 1: The Bag Lady
Wear a paper bag over your head to avoid all conversation. Proceed to discreetly shovel food to your mouth through the hole in the bottom of the bag. No one will even notice you’re there!
Method 2: The 7 Eleven on Eleven 24
Skip Thanksgiving dinner altogether. Instead, go to the nearest (or farthest) 7-Eleven, purchase the pumpkin pie with the most glue-like texture and ask for an empty Big Gulp cup. Bring your treasures to the darkest corner of the parking lot, consume the pie in its entirety, and fill the Big Gulp cup with your tears!
Method 3: The Recruitment Strategy
Invite all of your liberal friends from college and make them do the arguing for you. After all, what are friends for? Safety in numbers, people. Safety in numbers.
Method 4: The Fake Bro Hug
Greet Uncle Johnny with a bro hug—the kind with several back slaps. Just as you get close, whisper in his ear, “Fuuuuuuuccckkkkk youuuuuu.” If he tries to call you out on it, furiously deny it with an enormous grin on your face.
Method 5: The Classic
You’ve always wanted to smash a pie into someone’s face, and now Uncle Johnny is practically asking for it. Go on, you know you want to. Just make sure you don’t ruin the pie you actually wanted to eat. After all, Thanksgiving has to stand for something.
Which method will you choose this Thursday?
By: Cary Chapman