Columbia Students Literally Have No Friends

The head of Columbia Psychological Services has drawn attention to Columbia students’ lack of friends in a recent column in the Columbia Daily Spectator:

“Every day, dozens of students call our emergency hotline or walk into our office in tears because they feel like they literally do not have friends anymore. This is because the number of likes and shares that they have been getting on their social media updates has steadily declined since the election results were announced. With recent discourse on the echo chamber effect of social media, students have decided to refrain from filling their newsfeeds with their friends’ witty and politically astute comments. These poor students continue to write angry statuses and verbose tweets only to receive a paltry number of likes and retweets from their uncles and aunts who have not been informed by the liberals that Facebook helped elect a Cheeto to office. Instagram updates have suffered too, since many students cannot bear to look at their classmates’ photos of pumpkin spice latte and fuzzy mittens without complaining about privileged white bubbles. If the hillbillies in rural Oklahoma do not have access to overpriced coffee, are Ivy League students not creating a liberal bubble by indulging in it?

“Wrong! Forget about political activism. It is because of you concerned citizens that our offices are overrun and our counsellors are overworked. Pretend to be friends with the person down the hall by liking- nay, loving- his new shirtless photo. Do you know how many hours he spent with the men’s wrestling team in order to get that body? You hurt him more than the feminists did by refusing to acknowledge his chiseled abs. Retweet your communist Tinder date’s message about how her body has rights. We all know that it doesn’t, but maybe that extra share would keep her out of my damned office and let me take my afternoon nap in peace.”

So, what are you Jester readers waiting for? Share this article! Like it, print it out and stick it to your RA’s door, and tattoo its text onto your butt. Do you really want the head of Psychological Services to break down because of a literal lack of friends? Be a good human being. Save the world! Like a status!

By: Supriya Ambwani