BREAKING: White Girl Hipsters Have Found a New Word

Since white girls embracing their whiteness has become a thing, the world has gotten incredibly tired of hearing the word “literally.” White girls being among the most considerate demographic in the world, they have decided to take this worldwide exhaustion into account, and have adopted a new word to use as their primary form of communication.

“Figuratively,” has, up until very early this morning, not been a part of traditional white girl vocabulary. However, since the discovery of the word, Brittani Jo Fletcher, cheer captain at Northeastish Iowa High School and international basic white girl, who first coined the term “PSL,” has truly enjoyed exploring the many uses of the word figuratively.

Brittani reported to the Jester that earlier today, she used “figuratively” for the first time in a sentence. “And I said, to my best friend Sammi Jo Andersen, ‘I am figuratively so hungry right now that I could eat like five avocados.’”

Sammi Jo Andersen reported that she quickly caught on to Brittani’s new words, and provided a catchy retort: “I figuratively am going to gain a hundred pounds over Thanksgiving, so there is figuratively no way I can eat five avocados. I figuratively just have to do SoulCycle all day until Turkey Day.”

Sammi and Brittani’s besties, Amanda Jo Logan and Kylie Jo Wright, told Jester that they are “so #excited” to celebrate the holidays with their families. “My baby cousin is figuratively the cutest human alive,” Amanda reported, “I can’t wait to figuratively squeeze her face off.”

Kylie stated, “My mom is figuratively my best friend in the whole world. I figuratively don’t even know what I’d do without her.”

After the intense interview, Brittani, Sammi, Amanda, and Kylie figuratively slouched off in their heeled booties and oversized scarves. No word on where white girldom’s biggest celebrities went next to inaugurate their new word: most likely to the nearest Starbucks, where, rumor has it, the new Chestnut Praline Latte might figuratively be about to get its own acronym!!

By: Michelle Goff

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