In life, Alexis Jones (1997-2016) was as basic as they come. Her favorite beverage? The eponymous Winter Squash Latte, of course. Her favorite outfit? Head to toe lululemon. Her cause of death? Texting while driving.
“Alexis was, like, the sweetest person ever,” friend Maddie told Jester, “Like, she was always there for me, way more than some people. Like oh, I don’t know, Hayley.”*
When Alexis died, her friends grieved as anyone would: by going out for brunch, ordering three entrees each, posting foodstagrams like crazy, and eating nothing. But despite scores of Facebook homages addressing Alexis directly, no one expected to actually hear from her again.
Last week, Alexis’ ghost shocked the world by floating onto Ellen DeGeneres’ stage while the host was interviewing Chris Hemsworth for the sixteenth time. For a few seconds while the audience watched in horror, the ghost was silent. Suddenly, a nasal female voice emanated from the ectoplasmic mass’ alarmingly glossy mouth: “I LITERALLY DIED.”
Ellen acted on her journalistic instincts and asked with a snarky smile, “So if you’re really a ghost…why are you haunting the Earth?”
“NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!” the ghost said, “LITERALLY NO ONE.”
There was a long pause during which Chris Hemsworth was seen creeping off the stage holding fistfuls of Ellen branded merchandise. Alexis oozed down the center aisle of the studio, moaning, “GUUYYYYYSSSSSSS! I LITERALLY DIED! I WAITED NINETEEN YEARS FOR THAT STATEMENT TO BE REAL AND NOW NO ONE BELIEVES ME?! THIS IS LITERALLY DEATH.”
At time of (virtual) print, Alexis was literally haunting patrons of a local Starbucks by whispering in people’s literal ears the literal calorie counts of literally every seasonal beverage on the menu.
*Jester reached out to Hayley for comment, and all we got was “Maddie said that? She’s a whore, don’t trust her.”
By: Cary Chapman