Welcome world, to Jester’s, live, zero spin, election night coverage.
It’s that one special time of the year where all of America pretends to know what an electoral college is. There is certain magic in sitting around watching a map slowly be colored in, as breaking news of impending breaking news is continuously reported via terms such as “too close to call” and “too early to call.”
Tonight, Americans will find out that they are not actually individual, single-minded thinking citizens, but rather part of a demographic group which determines their voting. Have a college education? Are you white? Black? Man? Woman? Answer these questions, and compare who you voted for with your group to see how much of a hipster you really are.
But let’s get to it. Tonight is the night where the center of the universe shifts from New York City, to an array of random counties in Ohio, Florida, Michigan and North Carolina. Every vote matters in these battleground states. Will America be grabbed by its collective p***y by Trump? Will America finally have its first first dude in the White House, (fingers crossed for Bill building a White House man-cave). We soon will find out: America holds its breath.
Stay tuned, and keep with us at Jester, as we break the hard hitting news before any of those soft ass corporate news outlets do.
By: Ovie Lattimore