How the Stinch Destroyed Christmas

On Saturday, October 29, in New York City, a massive string of theft and vandalism took place. Not only were the beginnings of the Rockefeller Center Christmas completely demolished, but the giant red lights that tourists always take pictures in front of were found smashed, their bloody remains scattered in the tepid water of the fountain on which they used to stand proudly.

Early Sunday morning, NYPD was still searching for the culprit. S. Claus, one witness to the crime, described the fleeing perpetrator, stating that “his heart was clearly two sizes too small.” Another witness, Rudolph N. Red, said the man appeared “as cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel.” In a third testimony, Elfie von Short provided three words to describe the suspect: “Stink. Stank. Stunk.”

However, it was a clue from Cindy Hoo that finally allowed NYPD to track down the perpetrator. She stated that she had definitely seen him carrying a “three-decker, sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.” With this information, Officers Dasher and Dancer were able to locate the culprit waiting in line at Carnegie Deli.

The apprehended culprit, Mr. Stinch, declined comment for many publications, but for Jester he did provide this remark: “It’s not Christmas yet, fools!”

By: Michelle Goff