SAN FRANCISCO — Nearly a million people in the San Francisco Bay Area awoke this morning to find their bank balances reading $0.00. Investigations revealed that the only link between all the emptied accounts was that the victims were all regular users of Uber, the ridesharing app that has taken the world by storm. SFPD’s cybercrimes unit believes that a bug in the payment algorithms caused the charges.
Uber’s offices were not available for comment. However, we at Jester were able to track down founder and CEO Travis Kalanick at his private villa in the Cayman Islands. When asked about the mistake, he simply said, “our security team is hard at work to fix the breach.” When we asked about his plans to return the money, all our reporters could hear was “Oh…yeah, definitely,” and the muffled sounds of Kool & the Gang’s hit “Celebration.”