Katsaridaphobic Conspiracy Theories

Confession time: I am a katsaridaphobe. Yes, I have a highly unhealthy fear of cockroaches. Do not make fun of me – this is a real thing. You may see roaches as a nuisance, but I see them as a force for evil.

You see, roaches are actually not natural. Satan created them long before kicking Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. When he fell from heaven, he knew he was going to need an army so disgusting, so scuttly, so dirty and fat and ugly, with antennas so long they would make God Himself tremble in His boots.

Thus, Satan created roaches, but since then, they’ve gotten out of his control and kind of taken over the world.

Remember dinosaurs? Yeah, you thought that a meteor killed them off, didn’t you? That’s what all your science teachers would like you to believe. Spoiler alert: It was the roaches. They brutally murdered every single dinosaur and then successfully made it look like an accident. But don’t tell anybody what you know. Prince decided he wanted to write a song about the roaches killing the dinosaurs off. The next day, he was found dead…mysteriously.

Don’t believe me? Ask the ghosts from the Titanic whether it was actually an iceberg that sank the ship. Logically, if a ship is in fact, unsinkable (and we all know Titanic was), an outside force such as an iceberg would have no power over it. But an inside force could easily have accomplished the deed, and the roaches on the Titanic were just the creatures for the job. They spent a week biting holes in the side of the ship, and before long, the water just started pouring in.

Still don’t believe me? That’s fine. You can go about your daily life, blissfully unaware of what might be scuttling around your room at every turn. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you don’t want to end up “missing” like JonBenét Ramsey, maybe adopt a healthy dose of katsaridaphobia yourself.

Or, in the very least, when that nuke hits, don’t blame North Korea!

By: Michelle Goff

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