Heism: A Multi-Generational Struggle for Inequality

Most people are familiar with the term feminism, but what about the highly underrepresented group, the heists? (pronounced: heee-ist). A 100% white male demographic, the group Heists of ‘Murica plans to march on Washington this coming Monday to present President Obama with their demands.

Billy Dale Dawson IV is the current leader of the heist movement. However, it has been passed down through the generations, starting with his great-grandfather, Billy Dale Dawson Sr. “We just want women to stop trying to take over everything here in ‘Murica. Right now, there’s a gender wage gap of around 20%. This means that women are making $0.80 for every dollar a man makes. Back in my grandparents’ day, this wouldn’ta happened, ever. We men feel this size wage gap is unfair, and would like women to make $0.10 for every dollar a man makes instead,” Dawson explained, smiling a nearly toothless smile.

In response to outrage over the heist movement and its implications for women’s reproductive rights, co-president Jack Paul Jones Jr. stated in a series of late-night tweets, “These gals oughta know there is no such thing as reproductive rights. After all, men bear most of the burden in the pregnancy. Our bodies change so much when we have kids. Like, we have to get takeout all the time cuz our wives can’t cook for us, and so we gain a lot of weight. And we have to go out for beer and wings with our bros every night for nine months, cuz we’re going to have to take care of kids all day and all night once they’re born, since we know our wives will just be complainin’ about how they never get enough sleep. And our wives are so grumpy all the time and that makes us really grumpy and we have to retreat into the man cave to watch TV, which makes us even fatter. If anyone should be in charge of reproductive rights, it should definitely be the dads.”

The heist movement has been enthusiastically endorsed by the Westboro Baptist Church and presidential candidate Donald Trump.

By: Michelle Goff