Although he is best known for leaking “classified documents” from the NSA’s “global surveillance programs,” Edward Snowden was also a huge mooch. I grew up with him in Fort Meade, MD, and he would always ask me for money for a coke or a candy bar. Being a kind and generous person, I would lend him the money, never suspecting that he would use this whole “whistleblower” thing to flee the country before paying me back. Well now I’m blowing the whistle, Ed. I counted up all that change, and over the course of four years, I’ve lent you $31.56, and I will not rest until justice is restored.