The Tommy Robinson Underwear Heist

On October 11, 2016, the Columbia University Republicans decided to adopt the final bastion of leftist thought: Free Speech. They exercised this right by inviting the British luminary Tommy Robinson to enlighten the Columbia community about the dangers of Scary Hillary during a Halloween event.

However, since the more prominent members of the Republican Party are now being shamed into self-funding their propaganda because of the rise of a certain Trumpkin, the group decided to cut costs. Thus, it invited Robinson to give a speech via Skype in that-building- with-a- shitty-elevator because it couldn’t afford the jacked-up post-Brexit flight tickets that the UKIP is buying up to flee the UK.

Everybody gathered for free pizza as Robinson began talking. But something was off. The speech wasn’t a Robinson speech. He was in there somewhere, but he wasn’t in it during the Skype call. It’s like when your family holds up a photo of you at your funeral: you’re there, but you aren’t.

And then, in a sickening moment of realization, the audience realized what was wrong. Robinson looked like the fascist that he was supposed to resemble from the top. However, the bottom was awry. They couldn’t see it because of a strategically placed prayer mat, but they could sense it. Tommy Robinson was not wearing pants. All of a sudden, a familiar image of a donkey galloped across the screen.

And that, ladies, gentlemen, and non-conformers, is the story of how the Communists of Columbia pulled off a legendary trans-Atlantic pant heist.

By: Supriya Ambwani