Debate Roundup

Highlights from last night’s second world dictator debate: 

  • Clintorbita says US’s pumpkin resources are now independent
  • Clintorbita reiterates unicorn harvesting program plans
  • Trumpkin’s statements and tweets corroborate each other
  • Raddatz and Cooper co-officiate marriage of Idiocy and Desperation

Last night’s debate was a decisive conversation between two emblems of our decade’s worst regrets.  Coming in from Despair, St. Louis, the debate showed that doom has given way to disbelief and possibly to surrender in the general thinking population. The nonthinking population, meanwhile, sits at the bar and gleefully consumes an extra large order of wings and an America Budweiser. The hope that is left takes the form of memes and tweets, nonphysical and quickly lost in the internet’s spheres.

Clintorbita says the unicorns are the answer to the nation’s energy resource crisis. Not only does the dust from their horns burn long and cleanly in cars, gas stoves, and power plants but it also cures cancer. Unicorn farms are to supplant 75% of Big Dairy allotments. The FDA is looking into hormone injections which would dilute unicorn blood to about the consistency of milk, as well as developing a safe bleaching process. The McDonald’s Corporation is researching the use of unicorn meat in the Big Mac.

In a new turn for Trumpkin’s campaign, the candidate’s social media presence and his verbal statements did not contradict each other. This tactic is a risky choice for him, deviating from the path that has garnered him such success so far. Kellyanne Conway demonstrated her uncertainty in the new maneuver in her comments to MSNB reporter Chris Matthews, “I’m with the campaign till the bitter end,” Conway responded. “Unless….”

By: Lily Whiteman

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