Live your best life; Live that bitch life: The Story of Pumpkin Johnson

It’s been 2 months since the shocking Bachelorette season finale. The nation was stunned when in a surprising twist-ending, JoJo chose the man she had been straddling since Day 1 over her new gay best friend. In the action packed final decision of the series, Jojo spent a passionate night in the fantasy suite with Jordan, as well as having a sleepover with Robbie where they stayed up all night discussing just how cute Jordan is. The series climaxed with Jojo and Jordan declaring their love for one another and embracing on the beach, with Jordan picking up Jojo and running down the beach to demonstrate to any NFL scouts watching that he was still in peak athletic condition and available for contract.

Since the finale, Jojo and Jordan seem to be have been living out their happy endings- Jordan found love also got his dream job, and Jojo finally found happiness with a hot man who probably agrees to let her call him ‘Ben’ sometimes in bed. Besides having some quality Instagrams, which is all that happiness really is, it seems as though the new couple hasn’t been doing much besides going to some B-List parties and wearing Jojo’s new sunglasses range which is essentially made up of more pliable Ray Bans.

As for the other contestants, James Taylor is still not good enough at making music to make up for his vanilla personalty, Luke Pell may or may not have crumbled under the weight of his bandy legs but at least has about 250 ‘close family and friends’ to comfort him and Chase is still smoking hot but looking to increase his range of facial expressions from the current 1 facial expression he has in his repertoire.

However, the real unsung hero of the series is Chad Johnson’s dog Pumpkin. As we all know, Chad was tragically kicked off the show but in his short-lived appearance managed to provide us with some killer ‘Chad-isms’ and make us self-reflect over how creepy the concept of the whole show is anyway. However, the real gift that Chad gave America was his little dog Pumpkin, who he inherited from his late mother. The magic of Pumpkin is not only seeing a hot man with a puppy, but also the freebies of the arousing sob story and the bicep-to-pup ratio showing us just how built Chad really is. Pumpkin frequently appears on Chad’s snap story, nestled in his bed or accompanying him to a bath, in between him throwing dollar bills and drinking scotch, and has every single girl wishing she was that damn dog. Because really every basic bitch is just a small dog- they want to be fed continuously and throw themselves at a hot man without the fear of being called ‘needy’. We salute you Pumpkin, keep living the good life.