Introducing the Heist: A Funeral Vehicle for Deceased Crime Lords

Detroit, MI: Chrysler spokesman Jim Patterson gave Jester staff an exclusive look at their newest model, which will hit the market in early 2017. The Heist, as the luxury four-door sedan is called, will feature a diamond-encrusted steering wheel, premium Kobe leather upholstery, and a paint finish infused with obsidian mined from the depths of the Marianas Trench.

Besides the extraordinary opulence of the vehicle, the Heist’s most distinctive feature will be the hollowed-out area where the caskets of the world’s most dangerous criminals will be conveyed to their final resting places.

“Well,” Patterson qualified, “They’re not dangerous anymore. They’re dead by the time they ride in the Heist.” He paused to take a bite of his endive and watercress salad. (We were dining in Panera, and Patterson was looking casual but chic in a suit with no tie. When asked about how he maintains work-life balance, he simply replied, “I don’t.”)

The Heist will join other specialty Chryslers coming out in 2017 such as the Redneck, a car designed specially to accommodate three rifles, a semi-automatic handgun, and a Big Gulp from 7-Eleven, and the Dad Bod, a car shaped like Jim Gaffigan.

“The Heist is joining a long tradition at Chrysler, and at the same time subverting the norms in really interesting and groundbreaking ways,” Patterson told me as we walked across the parking lot to his blue Prius C, “We’re maintaining that Chrysler tradition of integrity, of American values, and now, we’re adding this fresh new element of obscene luxury and violent crime. This isn’t your grandma’s Hearse.”

He paused in thought, keys in one hand and nonfat latte in the other, before wiping away a tear and adding, “It’s not my grandma’s Hearse, either.”

By: Cary Chapman