Goodbye Pumpkin Spice Lattes…Hello Winter Squash Spice Lattes

Drop that PSL you basic bitch. It’s time to taste the sweet nectar of a Winter Squash Spice Latte (WSSL). It’s creamy, it’s decadent, and it will add years to your life. Both a super food and a delicious treat, WSSL’s are starting to become in high demand.

Instagrammers and food critics alike have praised the drink.

“One does not simply drink a WSSL, one embodies it,” said Cobi Beckett, a Park Slope based food blogger. He went on to add that the drink was “like culture in a mug.”

The drink is highly photogenic when being consumed in coffee shops. And with numerous sources around the Internet claiming that it can do anything from boosting your immune system, to raising your libido, people are wondering where WSSL’s have been all their lives.

The super-drink has also been garnering numerous celebrity endorsements, including that of singer, actress, model, and self-proclaimed nutritionist Gwyneth Paltrow.

“After you take your first sip, you can start to feel the drink kicking into action. Our bodies collect SO many different toxins, and with one WSSL, it just flushes them all out. If I ever…god forbid…mistakenly consume gluten, I rush to grab myself a WSSL right after,” said Gwyneth.

With most of America savagely consuming PSL’s, the pumpkin population has been pushed to the break of extinction. So by drinking a WSSL, you’re not only telling the world that you have amazing taste, but also that you care.

You can’t get the exclusive drink at your average Starbucks, however. But more select coffee shops in Williamsburg, Green Point and Red Hook are now training their baristas to master the art of brewing a perfect WSSL.

By: Ovie Lattimore