Best Things to Do in a Pumpkin Patch

  1. Pick pumpkins.
  2. Pick out the juiciest pumpkin in the patch and suck the life blood from it with a large syringe, so you can make your perfect, homemade PSL. For those of you who like to go organic when being basic.
  3. Hide behind pumpkins and spit seeds at random passersby.
  4. Look at adorable little children picking pumpkins and reflect sadly upon the moments in your life when you were happy and carefree.
  5. Conceive a child.
  6. Cut a giant hole into the bottom of a pumpkin so you can put the pumpkin on your head and run around terrorizing people.
  7. Rebury that body that’s been rotting in your yard for the past few weeks.
  8. Try to suck some orange dye from the pumpkins so you can replicate Donald Trump’s skin color going into this election season.
  9. Take out your inner rage on that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend or stalkee by smashing pumpkins.
  10. Most importantly, try to stay away from those killer clowns!

By: Michelle Goff