Polish Women Unite to Strike Against Forced Pumpkin Ownership

Thousands of Polish women shut down the streets of cities, villages, hamlets and places in the middle-of- Polish-nowhere on Monday. The government, made up of men who couldn’t have pumpkins, decreed that all women had to have them whether they liked it or not. After all, pumpkins are common property.

In response to the heathens who announced that some people simply didn’t want pumpkins, an outraged lawmaker, P.S. Latte, remarked, “Pumpkins are God’s gift to the Polish people. Refusing to have one is an affront to our great nation’s sensibilities.” Latte then proposed to imprison everyone who tried to get rid of pumpkins that had accidentally fallen out of heaven and into their laps.

Jacob O. Lantern explained the rationale behind this rule to the all the screaming women who didn’t want pumpkins when they could have careers and uninterrupted sex instead: “Pumpkin embryos are not meant to be eliminated at one’s whim. They must be raised until they ripen into full maturity and then carved with scythes to fulfill our repressed BDSM pleasures.”

By: Supriya Ambwani